Sharing is Scary

2016


When we're kids we are told "sharing is caring". It helps us learn to be kind and interact better with our peers. Then you grow up and I've learned that the actual truth is sharing is scary. Really Boba Fett-ing scary. Because now we are not just talking about toys and taking turns on the park swings - it's about you.

Sharing the things that make up the person you are right now. It's the foundation of all our relationships be they familial, platonic, romantic, whathaveyou. And that is terrifying.

When we talk to people, we relay bits of our lives to them. Which parts depend on the conversation and the person, our comfort level and our history with them. Think about the conversations you have had recently. What bits of you have you shared? Who did you share them with? Are they the same, are they different?

I've noticed that when I think of "self", my "self" to be specific, I see it in my head like a sort of atom shape. I know you may be thinking, "Amy what the hell are you on about?" but follow along with me for a moment okay? Okay.

So - atom shaped self.


Picture an atom. It has a protons, electrons, and neutrons all orbiting a nucleus. The protons are your happy moments, the electrons are your moments of fear and sadness, the neutrons the moments in between. They are the bits and pieces that make up you. You are the center, the nucleus. You are what it all builds around and that center contains the most vulnerable, true parts of you.

The protons you share with some atoms, the electrons you share with others, and so on. Some atoms (some people) receive more than others, but no one gets all of it. No one gets that center, gets to see and experience you as a whole being.


There is an idea in life that at some point you will meet a person, or multiple persons, who will get to meet that center, that amalgamation that is you. It is something I think about sometimes. I feel fear for it. A vibration of that center, quaking with doubt and terror and all that possibility. It is at times so all consuming that I back off from people for anywhere from an hour to days at a time.

Yet.

At the same time, I find that I am also overcome with a sense longing. I want to be able to function in life as my truest self, as that center part of me that is just waiting to be known. I've seen people do it, or at least, very close to it. Everyone protects themselves in some way and that's fine. That's good even, because you deserve to feel safe in your self and not pushed to be what others might try to make of you.

At the same time, we cannot stifle ourselves with that fear of sharing. Sharing is the key to building a life of fulfillment; with relationships, with creativity, with everything that is offered to us by life.

Maybe you don't see your self as an atom, maybe you're a tree, or a library, something just waiting to give and, in return, be willing and able to receive the "self" of someone else.


How Do You Know You Are Making The Right Choice?

2016


To be honest, you don't.

You will never know if a decision is the right one in the moment you make it. The results that decision may make on your life does not happen in the time it takes to make it, but in the time that follows.

Now that could be seconds later when the message that you have just touched a hot stove reaches your brain and you realize you done goofed, or it could be after years of working a job that leads to getting to live out a dream you've had since you were a child.

It's that uncertainty that causes people, myself included, to hesitate in the face of great opportunity. I am a big worrier. I can worry like a mother who's kid is walking on a tightrope over the Grand Canyon. (Don't be jealous, I've had years of practice.) However, winning a gold medal in worrying benefits someone as much as eating cotton does - which is to say, negatively.

Fear is the root of all evil. And Fear is the road to everything you want to accomplish.

There is a Moment when you are on the precipice of making a life changing decision. You may not know you are there. You may look back ten years later and think "that was a Moment". It's not a one time thing. People have many Moments in their lives, however they choose to respond to them. And those Moment have signs. Ones that, in my experience, feel a hell of a lot like panic.



It goes like this:

I am standing between two paths. One has streetlights and a nice little fence to keep you on the path; the other is the beginning of a seemingly endless forest and I have no map. When I look to the fist path I feel fine. It's steady, familiar. Safe. When I look to the second, I feel a tightness grip my chest; squeezing around my heart and my lungs. It makes me lightheaded and woozy; my stomach turns and my knees shake. I am terrified.

Because on the other side of that forest is happiness. And confidence. And fulfillment. Behind all of the darkness and trees is the best version of myself that I can only be by embracing my abilities, my creativity, my ideas, my worth.

Those are the choices you and I need to make. It's not easy. You are not always 'ready'. You are never ready. You need to be willing.

Life will give you a lot of chances, it's up to you to notice and take hold of the ones that ignite the fire in you.

I am still learning but hey, it's a journey not a race.

 - A'Marie


What I Have Learned While Playing Magic the Gathering (...so far)

2016


It's a sunny Wednesday afternoon as I sit in a local gaming cafe waiting for my Magic partner to arrive. We've been playing together for a few months. It's become a standing arrangement that two or three times a month we meet for an afternoon of the most delicious chai tea EVER and trying to kick each others butt at deck building games.

I have wanted to learn how to play Magic for years. It appeals to my love of all things fantasy, the art is GORGEOUS, and it basically makes me a wizard. A WIZARD. Who doesn't want to be a wizard? If you raised your hand, you need to go have some alone time with a series called Harry Potter. Right now.

Where I grew up, I didn't know anyone who played - or, at least, they didn't feel like playing with me. Their mistake. I didn't let that bring my dreams of Magic glory down (and neither should you!). When opportunity arose I tackled it like I was a Blighsteel Colossus.

Trample, baby.

As I wait in the cafe, I sit in what I have dubbed "my Magic spot". It's next to a large, floor to ceiling window. Where the window meets the wall is a long wood bench that provides the perfect corner seat to settle into and observe. The cafe is very industrial; bare piping, dark wood floors that match the tables and seats, a few sofas here and there, and an entire wall covered in games. I could go on and on about the beauty of this place, but that's for another day.



Magic is a test of rules and your ability to exploit them. No, that seems to negative. It's about your ability to harness the rules and make them play in your favor. If you will follow me on a metaphoric journey, this reminds me a lot of life as I am coming to understand it.

I've never been a rule breaker. I have an innate fear of getting into trouble. Really, I freak out having to walk through alarm gates despite knowing with 100% certainty that I have not stolen anything. I'm working on it. Through doing that though, I have come to realize that rules are not made of sharp edges but curved, malleable boundaries (baring the do not hurt living beings one - that is nonnegotiable). You have  to figure out how to make life work for you.

I am not claiming to be an expert in this. This is something I am still learning how to accomplish. An ongoing challenge to myself. I am the master of my life. I have to make the cards I'm dealt work for me, whether or not I start out with a great hand or just a bunch of high level beasties and no land for miles.

Figure out your strengths, play to them. Bring in a team that build you up, not one that works against you. That includes friends, family, co-workers, and other loved ones.

Learn your weaknesses. Search out what (or who) can help you overcome them, or balance them out. Be careful of letting yourself be so stuck in your old habits that you start to hinder your own journey.

Get a booster pack! Or, you know, add more things to your list of "I can do this" by investing in your wants and your dreams.

It makes for a more interesting game of life.

Or Magic, as it were.

 - A'Marie

PS - I have never play the board game Life. To real.




Following Through

2016

It's really easy to say you "want" to do something. It's easy to tell people you are "trying".

Except in doing so, you give yourself the out of not following through on what you're talking about.

Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with wanting or trying to do new things. I highly encourage you to do that! It's when those phrases start taking over that it starts becoming a problem. 

I've noticed that when I am afraid of committing I curve away from my goals. It's become a dance of sorts. Approach dream; sashay to the left. See the job I want; twirl to the right. I've become very adept at this kind of choreography. I'm not bragging. This has been a hindrance in my life and it's kept me from being able to grow and evolve into a better version of me.

This is letting fear write my story and I'm through letting it lead me towards a downer ending.

I just finished filming my first short film; written, produced, and starred in by an ambitious group of girls that I am proud to call my friends. We are making things happen in spite of fear. In addition, I am taking strides in other professional endeavors and not letting me talk myself out of it. 

My dreams are important. To me. To my life. And to who knows who else.

Only time will tell.


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