A'Marie By The Sea

To be honest, you don't.

You will never know if a decision is the right one in the moment you make it. The results that decision may make on your life does not happen in the time it takes to make it, but in the time that follows.

Now that could be seconds later when the message that you have just touched a hot stove reaches your brain and you realize you done goofed, or it could be after years of working a job that leads to getting to live out a dream you've had since you were a child.

It's that uncertainty that causes people, myself included, to hesitate in the face of great opportunity. I am a big worrier. I can worry like a mother who's kid is walking on a tightrope over the Grand Canyon. (Don't be jealous, I've had years of practice.) However, winning a gold medal in worrying benefits someone as much as eating cotton does - which is to say, negatively.

Fear is the root of all evil. And Fear is the road to everything you want to accomplish.

There is a Moment when you are on the precipice of making a life changing decision. You may not know you are there. You may look back ten years later and think "that was a Moment". It's not a one time thing. People have many Moments in their lives, however they choose to respond to them. And those Moment have signs. Ones that, in my experience, feel a hell of a lot like panic.



It goes like this:

I am standing between two paths. One has streetlights and a nice little fence to keep you on the path; the other is the beginning of a seemingly endless forest and I have no map. When I look to the fist path I feel fine. It's steady, familiar. Safe. When I look to the second, I feel a tightness grip my chest; squeezing around my heart and my lungs. It makes me lightheaded and woozy; my stomach turns and my knees shake. I am terrified.

Because on the other side of that forest is happiness. And confidence. And fulfillment. Behind all of the darkness and trees is the best version of myself that I can only be by embracing my abilities, my creativity, my ideas, my worth.

Those are the choices you and I need to make. It's not easy. You are not always 'ready'. You are never ready. You need to be willing.

Life will give you a lot of chances, it's up to you to notice and take hold of the ones that ignite the fire in you.

I am still learning but hey, it's a journey not a race.

If anyone has seen my twitter lately, or been in the passenger seat of my car the past few weeks, you will know I have a new obsession.

Hamilton.

The musical about Alexander Hamilton.

You know, that guy from US History that you learned about for a week and then promptly forgot because the way we teach people now a days is by dry, boring memorization for the sake of tests (upon tests).

I digress, that is a rant for a different post.

Hamilton is a now Broadway musical written and starring Lin-Manuel Miranda. You might also know him as the person behind In the Heights from a few years back. It's based on the biography by Ron Chernow which Miranda read on a long plane ride. He has described it as a story about America then preformed by America now. The cast is diverse, extremely talented, and they glow with pride at every note. As well they should. It's a phenomena that is, in fact, phenomenal.

Story short, I like it. There are layers and repetition in storytelling that make this show stand out, and in that I feel there are things we can take away which apply to our lives right now. A few words of advice from the past and present. I compiled a few below!

You Can Wait or You Can Act

 While our titular character is Alexander Hamilton himself, it is just as much the story of his rival Aaron Burr (sir). Hamilton's theme throughout the show is his fear of missing his shot at history. He is portrayed as a man of conviction and recklessness - the opposite of Aaron Burr.

Burr's first solo is a song called Wait for It. In it he explains how he knows there is a reason he is where he is and it will show itself eventually. So he waits. He is full of caution, hedging his bets so he can never be on the 'wrong side'. He lags behind, stagnant, lacking the courage to push forward.

You can wait for life to come to you, passively, or you can get up in its face and demand action. Make your own opportunities, there's no guarantee they will come find you.

Be Honest, But Not Cruel

If there is anything to say about the legacy of Alexander Hamilton, it's that he was a very straightforward person. He knew what he believed and he wasn't afraid to say it. In fact, he would probably tell you without you ever asking. And then also write up a pamphlet.

Hamilton's ability to speak freely and honestly is a large part of what helped him reach a top seat in the US government, with all that entailed. I feel like it's something I hesitate to do sometimes, for fear of judgment or being wrong. This hold me, holds us, back from really connecting with people who could better us and removing people who are toxic.

Yet, honesty can be a sharp sword. Hamilton broke his wife's heart by his willingness to bare any and all truths no matter the consequence. While I'm not saying Eliza did not deserve to know the truth, she certainly did, he did it is a needlessly cruel way that hurt her and rippled through their family. Do not purposefully hurt someone with the excuse of honesty. (Taylor Swift also has an excellent line about that.)

How You Are Remembered Is Defined By You - And Those Around You

You know you've thought about it. How will people remember you? What will you be known for?

Your actions make your history and your future. However, I am not just talking about the steps you take in your career or the physical changes you make to the world. While they play their part, how you interact with people, how you affect them or how your work affects them, is what truly shapes how you are remembered. Going through life not caring who you hurt will never be worth what you achieve. Don't be a villain, a jerk, a tyrant.

People are not perfect. We will not be beloved by everyone, but if you approach people with kindness and understanding, you may find people would rather be friends than foes. I have found amazing people, who I would have not had the opportunity to get to know if I was not open to it - to them. We are building things together, my dreams and their dreams. That makes a mark.


What can I say? Musicals speak to me. ;)

A quick anecdote:

About . . . 3ish weeks ago someone hit my car.

 I was sitting in the turn lane with my blinker on, as you do, waiting to turn into a plaza that held what I needed most at that moment it my life - caffeine. It was about 6 in the morning and I was going to pop into Starbucks on my way to work. As I am waiting for a car to pass so I can safely make a left hand turn, I see in my rear view mirror a car coming out of the drive-thru exit. It's not going around me. It's coming at me. I have no where to go so I am helpless as the car hits me. It jolts me forward and I enter a state that I would describe as dumbfounded shock.

The only option available to me at that point was to finish my turn and park, hoping that the driver would do the responsible thing and follow. Luckily, they did. We park, get out of our respective cars, and I see that it a woman, probably not much older than me. I will refer to her as Miss Tea. She starts to apologize right away. She like me, had needed an extra caffeine boost. I ask her if she is alright since, beyond my shock, I am not hurt. Neither is she. We exchange information and take pictures of our cars to assess the damage. There isn't any more than a tiny scratch on wither vehicle. The worst that happened was that her iced tea had spilled over the interior of her car and on her jacket.

At that point I tell her it's probably fine and I will let her know later that day if anything needs to be done - just in case something I'm not noticing now is actually damaged. So we say goodbye, she goes to clean her car, I go to get my chai tea (finally) and head to work.

My car is fine. Her car is fine. We were both unhurt and in my opinion that was the most important thing. I sent her a text telling her that we were square. She thanked me and said she wished she send me something. I told her we were good. It was the best version of what could have happened.

Fast forward to yesterday:

I open my mailbox to find an envelope from Miss Tea. I wasn't expecting one and I hadn't given her my address - though I later realized that it's on my driver's license, of which she had a photo. Inside is a thank you card and a gift card for $100. To say I was again in shock is an understatement.

When I went to work and said that the woman who hit my card was a nice person I was told by everyone that she would probably try and swindle me. "They always seem nice." "They will say they're fine and claim damages later." All sorts of nasty thing that made me doubt my impression of Miss Tea. Was I really that gullible?

No, I was not.

This isn't to say that if something like this happens to you you shouldn't take the steps to insure you are protected. Take pictures, take down the information, etc.

My point is that people seem to assume the worst in others. Their first instinct is distrust.

Not everyone is out to get you.

Nice people exist - even in bad circumstances.

It's nice to be reminded of that truth sometimes.

It's a sunny Wednesday afternoon as I sit in a local gaming cafe waiting for my Magic partner to arrive. We've been playing together for a few months. It's become a standing arrangement that two or three times a month we meet for an afternoon of the most delicious chai tea EVER and trying to kick each others butt at deck building games.

I have wanted to learn how to play Magic for years. It appeals to my love of all things fantasy, the art is GORGEOUS, and it basically makes me a wizard. A WIZARD. Who doesn't want to be a wizard? If you raised your hand, you need to go have some alone time with a series called Harry Potter. Right now.

Where I grew up, I didn't know anyone who played - or, at least, they didn't feel like playing with me. Their mistake. I didn't let that bring my dreams of Magic glory down (and neither should you!). When opportunity arose I tackled it like I was a Blighsteel Colossus.

Trample, baby.

As I wait in the cafe, I sit in what I have dubbed "my Magic spot". It's next to a large, floor to ceiling window. Where the window meets the wall is a long wood bench that provides the perfect corner seat to settle into and observe. The cafe is very industrial; bare piping, dark wood floors that match the tables and seats, a few sofas here and there, and an entire wall covered in games. I could go on and on about the beauty of this place, but that's for another day.



Magic is a test of rules and your ability to exploit them. No, that seems to negative. It's about your ability to harness the rules and make them play in your favor. If you will follow me on a metaphoric journey, this reminds me a lot of life as I am coming to understand it.

I've never been a rule breaker. I have an innate fear of getting into trouble. Really, I freak out having to walk through alarm gates despite knowing with 100% certainty that I have not stolen anything. I'm working on it. Through doing that though, I have come to realize that rules are not made of sharp edges but curved, malleable boundaries (baring the do not hurt living beings one - that is nonnegotiable). You have  to figure out how to make life work for you.

I am not claiming to be an expert in this. This is something I am still learning how to accomplish. An ongoing challenge to myself. I am the master of my life. I have to make the cards I'm dealt work for me, whether or not I start out with a great hand or just a bunch of high level beasties and no land for miles.

Figure out your strengths, play to them. Bring in a team that build you up, not one that works against you. That includes friends, family, co-workers, and other loved ones.

Learn your weaknesses. Search out what (or who) can help you overcome them, or balance them out. Be careful of letting yourself be so stuck in your old habits that you start to hinder your own journey.

Get a booster pack! Or, you know, add more things to your list of "I can do this" by investing in your wants and your dreams.

It makes for a more interesting game of life.

Or Magic, as it were.

PS - I have never play the board game Life. To real.

Lindy Hop Valentines Dance

I am not a dancer, though that's not for a lack of trying or opportunity. I was put in dance classes as a kid. Ballet, tap, jazz, Irish step dancing - I've attempted them all. It was just not something that stuck for me. I'm a bit too clumsy, my balance is a bit too off.

Yet, I love it.

I love moving, following the rhythm of the music and my body. It may not be Prima Ballernia material, but it's fun! I'm in that slow process of learning that it's not having the best technique that matters - it's the amount of enjoyment I'm getting out of what I'm doing.

I've always been afraid to be the fool; to let my silly shine through. It's something I'm working on and that means trying things outside my wheelhouse. Like, perhaps, a girls' night of swing dancing.

A friend of my had gone to this . . . event? Club? Get together? I'm not sure what to call it. She had a great time and invited us to go with her this week. Since it is Valentines Day weekend, there was a theme. We overruled that theme for our own. Galentines Night.

My goal for the night was to have fun, hang with my friends, and dance like no one was watching. I feel like I succeeded! After a brief lesson on the basic right left back steps that make up the style, we b-lined it straight to the center of the dance floor. The night was ours and no one was going to stop us!

Since it was the four of us (a perfect even number for two person dance couples), we traded off after each song, perfecting our moves and only slightly running into each other when we twirled. It was a night of laughs, twists, and a good bit of sweat that I can wait to repeat again.

The moral of this rose-tinted story is that if I let my fear of looking foolish rule me, I would never had agreed to go drancing, or stayed a wallflower all night while my friends had a grand time. This was a sashay forward into a life of less fear.

No regrets, just love (for my own bravery).

P.S. ~ Always bring a water bottle. You never know when a place won't have water bottles or glasses available and if you are going to be dancing about in a hot room full of people, you need to stay hydrated! Thank you to the waitress at the diner we ran to for staying on top of our water refills. We tipped!