When we're kids we are told "sharing is caring". It helps us learn to be kind and interact better with our peers. Then you grow up and I've learned that the actual truth is sharing is scary. Really Boba Fett-ing scary. Because now we are not just talking about toys and taking turns on the park swings - it's about you.

Sharing the things that make up the person you are right now. It's the foundation of all our relationships be they familial, platonic, romantic, whathaveyou. And that is terrifying.

When we talk to people, we relay bits of our lives to them. Which parts depend on the conversation and the person, our comfort level and our history with them. Think about the conversations you have had recently. What bits of you have you shared? Who did you share them with? Are they the same, are they different?

I've noticed that when I think of "self", my "self" to be specific, I see it in my head like a sort of atom shape. I know you may be thinking, "Amy what the hell are you on about?" but follow along with me for a moment okay? Okay.

So - atom shaped self.


Picture an atom. It has a protons, electrons, and neutrons all orbiting a nucleus. The protons are your happy moments, the electrons are your moments of fear and sadness, the neutrons the moments in between. They are the bits and pieces that make up you. You are the center, the nucleus. You are what it all builds around and that center contains the most vulnerable, true parts of you.

The protons you share with some atoms, the electrons you share with others, and so on. Some atoms (some people) receive more than others, but no one gets all of it. No one gets that center, gets to see and experience you as a whole being.


There is an idea in life that at some point you will meet a person, or multiple persons, who will get to meet that center, that amalgamation that is you. It is something I think about sometimes. I feel fear for it. A vibration of that center, quaking with doubt and terror and all that possibility. It is at times so all consuming that I back off from people for anywhere from an hour to days at a time.

Yet.

At the same time, I find that I am also overcome with a sense longing. I want to be able to function in life as my truest self, as that center part of me that is just waiting to be known. I've seen people do it, or at least, very close to it. Everyone protects themselves in some way and that's fine. That's good even, because you deserve to feel safe in your self and not pushed to be what others might try to make of you.

At the same time, we cannot stifle ourselves with that fear of sharing. Sharing is the key to building a life of fulfillment; with relationships, with creativity, with everything that is offered to us by life.

Maybe you don't see your self as an atom, maybe you're a tree, or a library, something just waiting to give and, in return, be willing and able to receive the "self" of someone else.